Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize