He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
