if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
