I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
