just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
