Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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