I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
