i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
