Little spoons don't ask big questions
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
