Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
