Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
