I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
