i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
