8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
