Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
