My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
