I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
