sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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