We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize