I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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