my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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