It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
