So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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