cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
