You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
