I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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