I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
