Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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