I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
