there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
