Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
