U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
