my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
