I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
