I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
