Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
