the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Holy sore nipples Batman
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
