Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
