I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
