last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
