my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
