I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
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