I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just cropdusted the office
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
