Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
do nipples grow back?
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