I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
