From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
