Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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