onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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