I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
