normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
