I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
