he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
