I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You took a bar mat shot.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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