My underwear smells like fireworks.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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