Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
and she was petting her beer can
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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