it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
