My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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