i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
