youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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