I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
