I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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